I debated about whether or not to post it, but in the end, I really wanted to spit in the face of a few people who feel they’re thinking rules the world and everyone in it.

However, it spoke not of my truth, but instead debated “right” thinking. “My thinking is better than yours, so there!” Was what I was really saying. But I am not committed to right thinking, I am committed to truth.

My truth is this:

It hurts my feelings when you attack me. I am a person with feelings.

I don’t see why you’re so angry. I have said nothing but how I feel. My own personal experiences. I don’t try to change anything in you, and I don’t claim that the truth in me is good or right. It is simply exposed. I feel that all I can offer is my truth, and yet you hate me for it.

You’re anger scares me. It makes me think about all the priests and reverends that burned people at the stake for not agreeing with what they had to say. It’s a very hostile vibe you’re sending at me. I am angered by this. Why should you have the power to control me? Who are you to say what I believe is wrong and what you believe is right? I’m mad that you find yourself so superior. I’m mad that you’re trying to bully me into your thinking.

I’m hurt that you would say something about how I’m harming my children. I’m hurt that you would question how my husband can still love me.

You pointed your finger at me and said, “You are a bad girl, and you don’t deserve to be loved!”

That hurts.

In speaks to my most powerful primal need and says, “You don’t deserve it, because you don’t believe what I believe.”

And in that moment, all I want to do is prove to you that I am not a bad girl unworthy of love, but instead a good girl that you’ve just misunderstood. And I want to prove that your words are irrelevant by saying that you are the one who is wrong.

And that’s my warning sign. The one that says, “MAYDAY! MAYDAY! You are being deceived!”

Why? Because trying to be good in order to be loved is the very thing that has kept my heart hidden, from not only myself, but God, and all others around me. And I believe that is exactly what the enemy desires of me, to keep my heart hidden. I believe he wants me to think that I am inherently bad, and I should hide that while I strive to be good. Because nobody, especially God, loves a bad girl.

But I have been freed from the paradigm of good and evil, and have instead entered the realm of truth and lies. This is the only thing I can believe right now. It is my only conviction. So no matter how many people try to scare me into denying I feel this way, it simply is what it is. It is my truth. It is how I really feel. To say otherwise would be for the soul purpose of winning your approval, and it would be a lie.

And if the truth in me exposed wins me only the hate of others, than I will be hated for what I really am. But if it wins me the love of others, than I will be loved for who I really am. And I believe there is no greater love than an exposed heart accepted. But I can no longer seek out the love of others based on a lie I’ve told in order to win their approval. For now that I’ve tasted real love, all else seems cheap, and unworthy.

I feel that me saying this scares people to death because there is no way to govern it. There is no system of control. And so I am attacked as a means of bullying me back into their control.

I don’t want to be bullied.

But the only light I have in the midst of all the foggy confusion, is my truth. And I will not let it go. I will not yield. I will expose my heart, no matter what’s in there, and I may end up alone. But I will know that I am alone in truth, not in the company of lies.

And that’s how I really feel.

In this moment, this is my truth.

-Tara

I know the Bible people. I am not some ignorant girl mouthing off in some rage!

Oh I’m sure I will get a smattering of replies with Bible verses and plenty of personally attacking comments coming my way. And I’m sure those comments will make you think you are being zealous for the Lord. But you have proven yourselves to be whitewashed tombs that understand nothing of what Jesus declared. You have proven yourselves to be religious and not relational. You are nothing but a bunch of Pharisees who think you are Jesus. A bunch of Jews with the wrong interpretation.

So, just to clear things up, as so many of you seemed to be confused, I AM NOT A CHRISTIAN any longer. I am not an evolved Christian. I am not an atheist. I am not a witch. And I am under no other authority than that of truth.

Why do you fear truth? Because you serve a lie! Because you hide away in the safety of that lie, so that you don’t have to look at who you truly are. You call it the flesh, and curse it as Satan, so that you can control it. But you are deceived.

I refuse to live in that deception any longer. I refuse to be bound by man, when I can be set free by truth. And I am done sitting here letting you attack me without defending myself.

I don’t care if you agree with me, and I have never asked you to do so. Your belief is your own. Your relationship with God is your own. But my belief is my own as well, so if you can’t handle my beliefs, then stop reading my blog.

This is my truth in the moment. And so far I’m not Hitler.

-Tara

Moving forward towards my goals, trying to reach the finish line.

First, I have committed to posting every day about my truth, and have not missed one day. I was nervous to commit myself to this, as I have tried before and failed. In fact, I originally told myself I’d post only at least once a week on Wednesdays, but ended up having so much to say in the beginning that I posted every day. I liked this feeling, and so have decided to make it a daily thing. Still haven’t decided if I’ll sign up for the WordPress PostADay 2012 yet or not, because it’s more about me being committed to discovering and exposing my truth, than accomplishing a goal. I am excited about all the new subscribers I’ve already gotten and I love it when I get comments or “likes”. It’s nice to know that people feel I have something to say worth reading. I would love to get to over 200 subscribers by the end of the year. That would make me proud.

Second, I recently gave up sugar and processed foods. My original focus was purely eradicating sugar, but I have settled into my old healthy habit of a whole foods diet. Meaning, I’ll allow honey and small amounts of maple syrup into the diet, but all food must be made from whole grains, unprocessed produce, natural meats and cheeses, and nuts. This has been going pretty well. Although, I’ve faced near mutiny from my kids. (One morning my 12 year old daughter said she dreamed all night that she was eating all sorts of sugary treats, and my two younger kids will scavenge the cupboards looking for anything with white flour or sugar.) But I have kept them at bay with treats like cut up apples and peanut butter, or sliced cheese and fruit. I too have been in the grocery store and have had attacks where every single cookie, pastry, and chocolate bar has been calling my name, and it takes every ounce of will power to not cave. I have not caved however, and I’m proud of that.

My no sugar challenge has led me to another challenge I want to take on: 30 Go-To Recipes, and 5 Whole Foods Desserts. I find that I am stuck in a rut with dinners, and giving up processed foods really makes that obvious. Every time I can’t think of what to make, I feel so bad for my family. I also feel like I have failed and I begin to hate cooking. Yet, those times where I am absolutely on top of it and make something great, I feel good about myself. I’m actually a great cook. I don’t want food to defeat me anymore, so I have decided to face it head on instead of running from it like I have the past few years. I’ve always wanted to have 30 Go-To Recipes that I knew well, so I wouldn’t have to eat the same thing more than once a month, and 5 desserts that I don’t feel guilty eating. So I’m making it a goal to try at least one new recipe a week until I have 30 I’m happy with, and to post it on my blog. They will be stored  under the “Recipe” category to the right of the screen. —>

Now onto the scary one for me. The fact that this literally makes my heart flutter with anxiety is a good sign that it’s something to take on. I want to become a published writer. Any kind of publication would be success to me. Magazine, newspaper, etc… I’ve pursued this briefly a couple times before and have been unsuccessful. About two months ago I sent out multiple queries and manuscripts, with one that has consented to publish an article of mine in October, but no agreements have been signed and I have yet to see myself in print. Part of me feels foolish for being so nervous about what must seem like such a small goal to any professional writer. But another part of me fears that I don’t have what it takes to write something another person would actually pay to use. I would like to see if I can be successful as a writer, just because I don’t want it to taunt me anymore. I NEED to face this fear.

Those are the things I am willing to commit to in the moment, as I am seven months pregnant and don’t want to burn myself out. However, after the baby, I would like to learn to play either the guitar or piano, and will probably have some sort of physical fitness goal.

Oh, and one more thing, I’ve considered studying philosophers and outside-the-box thinkers, but am weary about this. In one sense, it could broaden my mind and give me something to chew on mentally, but in another, it could completely screw me up. I mean, I just now am realizing the freedom of not searching for the “right” path, but remaining solely in my truth. I’d hate to have that messed with. But then… will I walk through life with earmuffs on from now on then? This is why I’m debating it. I’ll think about it and let you know.

Until then, this is my truth in the moment.

-Tara

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A couple years ago, I was at the river with my family and my mom wanted to tow me on an inner tube behind a wave runner. The thought of this scared me to death. I knew she’d be trying to get me to fall off, and swing me around like crazy. Now I have always had a fear of fish. The kind of fear that makes a person be able to walk on water to reach the safety of land. I did not want to go. But in that moment, I suddenly saw myself as an adventurer, and I jumped in the tube. Sure enough, my mom drove like a maniac, and I screamed the entire time, until finally being dumped in the water. That moment meant a lot to me. It grew my heart in some way, and felt exhilarating, because I’d pushed myself past my comfort zone.

Remembering this story, I realized that there will never be a time in my life when I don’t have a comfort zone in the current moment that could be expanded. And in an instant, the adventure I’ve been searching for in the grand void became tangible and real. If I live a life where I constantly challenge my comfort zone, then I think I will feel I am truly living. No matter how small or large these challenges are, they will continue to move me forward. They will continue to arouse that exciting emotion of aliveness. And I will never become stagnant and crust over.

I am so excited about this realization, and I am scheming about what I want to do. But I would also like to take this mentality into life, so that when surprise situations occur where I have a choice to either stretch myself or be comfortable, I will choose to stretch. Who knows what I will achieve? Who knows who I will meet, or where I will go?

This reminds me of a quote from the movie Ever After.

“And while they did live happily ever after, the point gentlemen, is that they lived!”

This is my truth in the moment.

-Tara

Image via Wikipedia

Yesterday I had the pleasure of being liked by lesleycarter  on two different posts of mine, so I went to go check out her blog. Wow! Was I impressed! She is a total adventurer, who seems to live life to the max. She travels, does extreme sporting, and has even been named the “most exciting woman on earth” by another blogger. (This, being meant as an opposing female character to the Dos Equis beer commercial featuring ‘the most interesting man in the word.’)  In addition, she is 7 months pregnant, like me.

Knowing that she will probably read this post, as I attached a pingback, it is a little bit of a struggle to express my honest feelings, but this is a truth blog, so here we go.

As I was reading over her blog, I began to feel small. Small and insignificant. She has accomplished so much with her life. She’s set out to do it, and has done it. And now, while still in the midst of it all, she seems to have a momentum carrying her into greatness, where the sky isn’t even the limit. Even with her blog, that she set up 6 months ago (and it’s a great blog that offers a lot to it’s readers)  she already has over 7,783 followers. Complete success.

I can’t help but compare myself to her.

I have a huge desire in my life to be an adventurer. To live life to it’s fullest, devouring every piece of every moment. To get outside of my comfortable little world of the mundane, and to experience life. I have even said to my husband, I want to be the most interesting woman in the world, like the Dos Equis guy.

When I read about her, I became strikingly aware of how much I DO NOT do this, but instead, just sit around and dream about doing it. And sadly, I know it is entirely my fault. Why is it so hard for me to act on such a huge desire of mine?

Physically, I have three, almost four children and a very limited budget. But I feel as those these things could be overcome if I set my mind to it. My mind… that seems to be my biggest issue. I tend to explain away my dreams as being meaningless and shallow, therefore never being able to really fulfill me in any way, so why bother. In the abstract, everything can look pointless and not very exciting. Everything can be explained away. But is it reality?

An example of reality would be when I set out to run a 5k last year. I’d never run one, and was entirely out of shape. So I started the Couch to 5k program and signed myself up for a race 3 months away. It was a challenge for me. I remember running the first week of intervals, which are 60 seconds of running and 90 seconds of walking for 20 min., and thinking how far I was from actually completing a 5k. But I stuck to it. And as each week passed, I grew more confident and proud of myself. And when race day came, I ran the entire thing without stopping! Sure, there were old people, and dad’s pushing strollers who beat me, but for me it was about finishing. I was so proud of myself.

Later that day, we went to a barbecue at a friend’s house, and everyone heard I’d run a 5k that morning. That’s when the stories came out about all the 5k’s everyone there had run, and the time’s they’d run them in. I felt completely dwarfed. I suddenly felt like this monumental obstacle I’d just overcome was really very normal and boring, and I was ashamed.

You see, there’s this deep, deep desire in me to be unique. I can’t stand the thought of being normal. And I think because of this desire, I am paralyzed. Instead of looking at life through my own eyes, I’m looking at my life as how it compares to other’s lives. Will it be insignificant to go skydiving because so many people have been skydiving too? Will the things I love turn out to be what every other normal mom loves? So instead of asking myself what’s exciting to me, I ask, “What will make me exciting in a different way?” And when I ask that question, the answer I get is: nothing. Because I can always point to a person who’s been there, done that.

I think another ache in my heart, is that I just don’t believe in myself. I fear that I’m not as tall in reality as I am in my mind. I fear that I will set out to accomplish something, and if failure hints at me in any way, I’ll give up. Or my attention span will give out.

I also fear the story of God. What if God does have a story? Then, I fear that all my attempts to follow the desires of my heart will be blocked by his will for me. And so unless I figure out what his will is and follow that, then why try? (Now you can see why telling myself God is Satan. I am Truth is so freeing.)

And so I’m am rendered useless by my mind.

What am I going to do about this? I don’t know yet. But I’m going to think about it, and try try try to break free. There must be a solution.

In this moment, this is my truth.

-Tara

In today’s case, the little “thing” I am seeing, is the face of a particular little old lady who overheard a conversation I was having yesterday. Let me explain.

Every Wednesday my children and I meet with a group of other homeschoolers at a park. It’s a very relaxed group that keeps the conversation light. There is never any talk of politics or religion, so I’m not quite sure where everyone stands on this, and part of me likes it that way. I usually do not fare well in the making friends department when I start talking about my ideas, so having a group of women to chat about nothing in particular with is safe… albeit, a little boring and undramatic.

Well, one of the ladies in the group is a friend of mine from before the group, so I know her more personally. I know she is an Atheist who is seeking truth, and that she has strong political views. Because of this, she gets a lot of negative feedback via her Facebook account.

So on park day, I mentioned to her about the commenter who was attacking me, thinking she’d find it humorous and understand. Well, a bunch of the other women overheard us, and asked what it was all about. Trying to be vague, I mentioned that the title of my blog was controversial, so I expected arguments from it. Well, of course they wanted to know the title. (If you give a mouse a cookie…)

This is where I hesitated. This one conversation could ostracize me from a number of the ladies, and change the dynamics of the group. I told them I was hesitant because of this very reason, but they insisted. So I told them the title was, “God is Satan. I am Truth.”

To my surprise, they all laughed. Then I explained that while the title was harsh, the post wasn’t me trying to make a case against God or share philosophy, but was instead a description of what I’d been going through the previous night. An expression of my truth. Then the friend I was having the conversation with originally, announced that she’d known me for awhile and knew this was typically how I communicated. She also announced that I had “come out of the closet” in her living room. Meaning, I’d had a spiritual epiphany while talking to her in her living room, not that I’d realized I was a homosexual. This too drew some laughs.

Well, the whole time we were having this conversation, I was unaware of another listener. The mother of one of the ladies in the group was there that day, as she was visiting their family. And when I turned around and faced her direction, she was looking at me with wide eyes of fear, and looked shocked. It was as if she’d just discovered I was a witch, and it scared the hell out of her.

This expression surprised me, but I can understand it. I can only imagine her interpretation of things. For all she knows, I’m a devil worshipping pregnant lesbian.

The reflection of my person according to others?

The rest of the day’s conversations went well, and there was nothing to it. But last night and this morning, I find that the conversation keeps running through my head, and I want to explain myself better. I want to clarify my beliefs to everyone. My mind is unsettled.

Some of it is because I want to be known. I don’t want partial information out there about me that makes me look like something I’m not. I want those ladies to see my true reasoning and heart. Translation: I care what they think about me.

But the image that seems to be the firmest in my mind, is the face of that little old lady. The face that looked at me and said, “You’re bad and I’m scared of you.”

No matter how much I reason it out, and look at things from an abstract view, that face impacted me. It brought out my innate desire to please and be good, so that I could earn love. So I am wanting to explain myself to have her approve of me. Or maybe even to be disapproved of in my full truth, but not just a small snipit of information that she’s drawn a full conclusion from. I don’t know which it is.

Either way, this is a feeling I want to be freed from. The feeling that every person needs to understand me fully. Because in truth, no one does. How can they? All words and emotions are relative to our own understanding of things, so I could talk until I’m blue in the face, and still, others would not truly know me, because they have not been me. They have not walked my path.

My only hope is to know myself fully, and then I believe the reflection others show me of myself will be insignificant, as it will not be able to penetrate my truth.

This is my truth.

-Tara

As many of you know, I am in the third trimester of my pregnancy. This is my fourth child. However, my next youngest is 7, so there is quite a gap. After my third child, I had my tubes tied and got rid of all my baby stuff. About  year and a half ago, I had a tubal reversal to relieve myself of hormonal problems my tubal caused me. (Read: Post Tubal Ligation Syndrome) And my symptoms were relieved… as was my fool proof birth control. So now I am pregnant.

Anyhow, all that background is to say, I do not currently own a single baby item. Strike that. My mother sent me some burp rags, a teether, and a baby blanket for Christmas, and my father-in-law sent a sleeper thing. Other than that, not one baby item. This means, I have two and a half months to procure everything I need, which includes a minivan, as our family is now too big for a 5 passenger car. This can feel a bit overwhelming.

A baby shower would be ideal, but as we tend to move around, and I’m not the most loyal friend, I have no one to throw me a shower. I have plenty of people to invite however. I thought of throwing myself a shower, but realized that would be taboo. So I devised a scheme.

I’m laughing at myself right now, you just can’t see it.

Image via Wikipedia

This morning I called a friend that I’ve known for 13 years, who lives about two hours from me. I informed her of my dilemma and asked her if she would mind if I threw myself a shower and put her name on everything as if she were throwing it. She’d have to show up of course, because that would be awkward if she couldn’t, but I would take care of everything.

She laughed and said she had no problem with it. Then we caught up and chatted for quite some time.

After our phone conversation, and on my way to Starbucks, I realized how ridiculous I was being. For the sake of not losing face to a bunch of people, I was willing to lie through my teeth. For shame! It was a pathetic moment.

When I returned home, I texted my friend that I’d thought about the shower idea and decided against it. Deciding to just gather what I need on my own. She was not surprised, as she sees me as very fickle, and laughed it off.

It was somewhat funny. It made me feel like a little immature kid again. What was I thinking? Anyhow, I was completely embarrassed, so I felt the only way to make it right in my own mind again, was to tell the whole world of strangers who follow my blog all about it. And you know what? I think it helped.

This is my truth.

-Tara

Today is just a smattering of thoughts that I haven’t had the chance to write until now. I usually write in the mornings, but today has been busy.

I’m happy to say, that I woke up feeling much better emotionally than I did yesterday. Being attacked by a commenter took it’s tole on my mind. It made the world feel like a hostile environment, and I felt like a turtle wanting to crawl inside it’s shell and disappear. But after talking with my husband last night about it, I felt relief. I will note, however, it was somewhat thrilling. It caused me to feel genuine emotion, and if nothing else, fear, anger, hurt, and humor are not boring.

So today, being rid of those emotions almost entirely, my day was somewhat normal.

Yeah. That's where I'm headed.

My day began with my doctor’s appointment where I learned that, despite my change in diet and exercise, I’m still gaining weight at record rates. I have mixed emotions about this. I’m a bit discouraged, as not gaining as much pregnancy weight was a huge motivator for my efforts. Yet, I’m doing all I can to be healthy, so this must be what my body feels it needs to do in order to carry a baby healthfully through term. My blood pressure is fine, and my glucose test came back normal, so there’s really nothing wrong with me from a health perspective. On that note, I truly feel I can justify letting go of my vanity and just relax about it. I can only do what I can do.

Another poke at my vanity, is a current break out. If you recall, I’ve given up sugar and processed foods, with my first priority being nice skin and a good body (followed by health of course). I have not cracked on this, except for one white tortilla over the weekend. So to have the breakout of all breakouts on my face and neck feels like I’m being mocked. The only thing I can think is that either my body is purging all the toxins it was holding, or I’m having some sort of hormone spike from my pregnancy. Either way, you can see that my vanity is having a rough morning.

I’ve been considering a co-op situation for my oldest daughter a lot today as well. Rolling it around in my mind and wondering if it’s something I can commit to. If you’re not aware, I homeschool my oldest daughter and son, while my middle daughter goes to a charter school four days a week. A homeschooling co-op is where a group of families compiles their knowledge and expertise, each teaching what they know, and in return receiving teaching for their children that they don’t know, or don’t want to put the effort into. So I would teach writing, another mom would teach art, another science or tech stuff, another might do cooking or outdoor adventures. You get the picture. Even though it’s only once a week, and I’d only have to do something every other week, I fear myself. I know I’m not good with commitments, and I’m afraid I’ll let everyone down. But, knowing that it’s not all in my hands, I’m thinking I could pull it off. I’m gonna talk to some other moms about it tomorrow and see what they think.

Other than that, nothing specific or deeply emotional happening here. It’s probably a nice break for all you faithful readers.

For today, this is my truth.

-Tara

As yesterday’s blog was entitled “God is Satan. I am Truth.”  I expected to get some negative feedback. Particularly since I put a picture of Jesus with a subtext that claimed he was Satan. And that expectation was met by one individual in-particular who left me multiple comments. The first was a full exorcism of the devil who dwelled inside me, followed by the Sinner’s Prayer that I was to repeat so I could be saved. I responded by saying I understood their point of view, but I disagreed. This unleashed the zealous anger of said commenter, and I was met with a borage of Bible verses and name calling.

Here’s where my blog dilemma comes in. Obviously, this evoked emotion in me. Part of me thought it was so ridiculous that it was funny. Another part of me felt a great need to defend myself. While yet another part of me sees it as a challenge to stick to my truth. Which one should I choose?

Here the book must remain.

I want to yank the book I wrote out of the recycling bin and send it to this person. I want them to see where I’ve come from, what fires I’ve walked through, and what theology I know. I want to shove it down their throat and say, “See! You ignorant ass hole. You know nothing.” But the translation of that is, “See! I’m a good girl. I’m justified by the real God. You are the one who is wrong.”

And that is where the red flag comes in. The whole reason I threw the book out, was because my life is no longer about “right” thinking. It no longer revolves around fitting my heart into a theology so that I may be counted as good and therefore earn love. It is about my truth in the moment. Theology has only ever bound me, while truth has set me free.

And for this very reason, I did not explain my thinking behind God being Satan. It is irrelevant. The point of my blog was how that thinking set me free in that moment. It was about my emotions, my experiences. It was about me. It’s purpose was not to convert anyone else to my thinking. I don’t care if you understand that concept or not. What I care about is my ability to stick to my truth, no matter what.

That is my challenge. Truth, no matter what anyone else thinks. In this I believe I will find freedom. In this, I believe I will be able to live with an exposed heart. In this, I believe I will find love.

So I say to you, dear commenter, this is my blog. It is about me. If you don’t like me, feel free not to read.

This is my truth.

-Tara

So I sat for an hour, opening my mind to God. And you know what I heard?

Nothing.

Absolutely nothing.

Feeling extremely discouraged by this, I sought out my husband hoping he would intercede for me and tell me what God was saying. (He seems to be able to do this with ease.) But when I went to him, he absolutely refused to do so, and instead told me I needed to let go of God.

Let go of God!

Thing got pretty ugly after this. We had a huge fight, because I felt like he was being negative about my emotions, and not loving me for everything that I am.

But at the same time, God hadn’t exactly met me himself, so I had no argument.

I felt very lonely and discouraged. I thought about my life and felt like I was a pegasus with her wings clipped. Like there was so much I wanted but could not reach.

My husband had gone to bed, basically giving up on our “conversation” for the night, and I sat up stewing. And thinking. And stewing.

I finally concluded that I had to take my head out of the clouds and face reality. I had to just look around me, and wake up. This is who I am. This is my life. There is no greater meaning. There is no magical adventure that’s going to present itself to you. And it’s about time I give up on that elusive  ”key” to aliveness I’ve been searching for. I give up.

And so I went to bed with no answer to comfort me. No philosophies swimming through my mind. And tension lingering between my peacefully sleeping husband and I.

But my sleep was restless. I woke up every hour and couldn’t help but contemplate. And every hour I went back to sleep with no answer.

Then, I’m guessing around 5AM or so, it came to me.

God is Satan. I am Truth. 

This is Satan, aka: The Liar.

Saying that to myself had once freed me from a demon that literally came out of my mouth, and saying it once again, made freedom began to creep into my heart. So I repeated it over and over again to myself like a sacred mantra.

God is Satan. I am Truth. God is Satan. I am Truth.

And I felt it. A release from the lie. And I remembered that all I have is my truth, but that the truth in me is immovable. Like a fixed point in the universe. And it cannot be wrong, because it is not measured by right and wrong. It just is. It is and anything else isn’t. And in this knowing lies my freedom.

And Christianity, Buddhism, Muslim, Atheism, and any other system of belief or religion, are my enemy. They tell me to squelch the truth about myself and try to be “good”, according to their beliefs. To make my mind fit into their box, and block out all else. And I end up bound up with a closed heart.

No more. No more for me.

God is Satan. I am Truth. 

And the truth will set me free.

I rolled over in bed and hugged my husband, much to his relief and delight, and felt lucky to have someone as my partner who was willing to tell me the truth, no matter how much it hurts me.

So I think I will continue meditation, but instead of seeking God in that time, I will seek myself. I will ask myself how I am really feeling about something, and I will identify the faces in my mind that are trying to get me to conform to them. And in time, I hope that I began to know my own voice, so that I may be able to know my own truth at any given moment. And I hope freedom lingers there, and in freedom I will become one alive.

This is my truth.

-Tara