Today is different than yesterday. Freedom is peeping through my heart, and along with it are fear and excitement.
I’m throwing my book out. (I love how dramatic that sounds.) Don’t worry, I’m recycling it.
After reading through it with my husband last night, I felt completely depressed, or discouraged, I couldn’t really figure out which. I thought maybe it was because of my husband’s critiques, but that didn’t seem to be the problem when I really thought about it. So I just let myself be sad.
Lying in bed, I thought I’d just open my heart to God and see if it would come out. I soon realized what I was feeling.
I was ashamed. Ashamed at what I’d written. The whole book was me building a case to defend myself to the world. It had my dad’s face all over it in my mind. That in and of itself should have been a warning. I always want him to think I’m spiritual. (Maybe I’ll mail him the book.)
The book has nothing to do with who I am in the moment. Sure, it’s my history, and has brought me to where I am, but it’s no longer relevant to me. Like my baby diapers. I’m just so past all that stuff.
What I really want is to be completely open and truthful with my heart in the moment, but I’m afraid of what people will think of me if I am.
What if they think I’m a bad girl? What if they think I’m shallow? What if they think I don’t know God?
It defeats the whole purpose. The freedom comes from being able to be truthful about my heart, no matter what others think. In that way, I can just be the amazing me that I am.
He's only cute until I realize he's manipulating my mind.
My book was this little army of advocates I wanted to send out in front of my heart to protect it. To gain people’s respect, and to justify what I have to say.
But it was all wrong.
There’s no freedom in that. It’s the same enemy I’ve been fighting all along, just in different clothes. I have to remember that I’m not striving for right thinking, or to make myself good, but that I’m striving to discover and expose the truth about me. Simple, but scary, as I have no justification whatsoever, except that it just is, and anything else would be a lie. So that means if my brother-in-law, father, husband, or the whole world think that what’s inside me is ugly, I will just be ugly to them.
Can I do it? Am I brave enough?
I hope so.
This is my truth.
-Tara
#1 by consepth on January 16, 2012 - 10:33 AM
AFTER READING YOUR BLOGG ONCE AGAIN AM CONV. THAT YOU HAVE I PHSYCOLOGIC PROBLEM. GET WELL. SEEK JESUS CHRIST THE SON OF GOD, THEY ARE ONE AND THE SAME.
#2 by consepth on January 16, 2012 - 11:11 AM
AND Tara tell me are you married,…….why are you married..? because you say god is satan…..and god gave us marrige love. so why do you follow gods rule then when u think god is satan?? if i where youuu i would devorce at once because you dont belive satan is a liar but you belive satan is god. and you have turn the thruth upside down. so you must be satan then. ……..and then in the Name of jesus christ i comand you demon satan to go to hell. AMEN. GOD IS YOUR LORD AND ONLY HIM ALONE YOU SHALL WORSHIP.
#3 by Tara on January 16, 2012 - 11:24 AM
consepth,
My blog obviously aroused some emotion in you, however, while I appreciate your honesty, I will have to block all your further comments as spam because you have resorted to blatant attacks on me personally, and the ones I love. This hurts my feelings and I don’t want to read any more of it. In this you may feel triumphant, but I am not here to win a war against you. I am simply here to share my truth.